Friday, July 21, 2006

Philosophy?

The philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....(according to my latest email):


1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an Asian man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

15 comments:

h&b said...

Some of those are classics ;)
I might steal them and fwd them on to others...

P.S. - Michele says hi !

Beverly said...

Those are so good. I especially like the one about shooting the tourists.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

These are delightful Judy. So very clever!

panthergirl said...

The first time I saw Braille on the drive-through ATM I laughed hysterically!

It reminded me of a window treatment company in my area that had a van which said, "Caution: Blind Man Driving."

Michele sent me this morning, Judy!

Tabor said...

Very clever. These would be great to save for a camp trip with teens! ??? I know, I know, the thought just came to me.

Sissy B. said...

I had to print those off!!! I always know when I come to visit you I will find an interesting new book to read....or a laugh to make my day...or a bit of knowledge that I can't live without...thanks for taking the time to entertain us with your thoughts :)

Courtney said...

Oh, goodness...

Here via Michele.

RennyBA said...

About 21: Non sliced bread I guess. I'm a Norwegian and always love to slice myself:-)
Hello, Michele sent me and I add have a great end to your week!

Tracie said...

Michele sent me! That is a classic list--great fun!

Carmi said...

I'm detecting shades of Steven Wright in this writing. I'll re-read this list every time I need a little smile.

Delightful. Thanks Judy!

srp said...

I did fine until the Little Mermaid one and then...well I just had to sit here and hold my head. LOLOLOL.... (can you do that>)

PI said...

Most of these are new to me . Brillant!

Chancy said...

Good ones. Thanks for the chuckles.

Mildred Garfield said...

When I started reading your list of sayings, I thought I'll tell Judy which ones I enjoyed the most -- can't do that, they were all terrific!!

Stu Savory said...

4w) If intelligent men evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have Dubya?