Thursday, October 13, 2005

Time for a Trade-In?



IF MY BODY WERE A CAR .......


If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood.! Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.

I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....

either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!


(Nope, didn't write this one either!)

19 comments:

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Why do I think you are setting us up with an excuse for showing your ass-crack?

Listen, most of this can be fixed with liposuction, new contact lenses, new Nikes, tatoos, Depends and Beano. Your life is not over.

Erin said...

LOL! That's too funny!

Arethusa said...

Old Hoss always cracks me up! I bet you're not nearly as bad as all that, Kenju. You're just trying to make us feel better by pretending to be less than perfect. ;)

Jamie Dawn said...

That ending was a hoot! Or should I say toot!

You are a classic, which means more valuable than any of those new fandangled models.

Kim said...

My dear, I do believe we were made in the same factory, but I think I'll be getting me some Depends and some Beano, tomorrow. Remember, old cars become "classics"!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

It sounds like a few parts are falling off!

Michele sent me here.

Bec of the Ladies Lounge said...

Aw, are you being too harsh or is it just a caseof the oldies being the goodies.
Michele sent me tonight - always a joy to be here.

mar said...

Loved the first comment! since you didn't write it I don't think it is speaking about you! liked the "it's hard to see things up close", this is for the bloggers who choose small print! think of the ones wearing reading glasses and having difficulties reading your posts. LOL. Michele sent me!

Peter said...

There's many a mile left in a classic model Judy. It's marvellous what a cut and polish can achieve too.

Jamie Dawn said...

Kenju: If you click on the word "look" in my post for the day, there is a picture of my hubby attached.

srp said...

This is just too funny. I must print it out for my mom to read. It'll make her laugh, wait, that might be a problem too. My old car would have to add the burping stutter start when all cylinders don't fire. But as it is wrritten: 'Tis better to belch and bear the shame, than to squelch the belch and bear the pain.

utenzi said...

Sounds pretty serious, Judy. Since you're about 20 years ahead of me on the journey, it sounds like I have little to look forward to!

Try to hold everything together, Judy. Okay?

Angie said...

Would I be carrying a spare tire or a passenger in the rumble seat?

Pirate said...

As an appraiser I have to tell you may be out of your league when compared to a new sporty model. But (here comes the but) there is a lot to be said about those classic models. Now you will be endeared by the fella who never was able to afford your model when he was younger. After he makes you his he will give you a complete overhaul. He will tighten your insides, reupolster your seat, shine your dash and give you a new coat of paint. Then every Friday night he'll proudly drive you down to the local A&W and show you off to all his former classmates from the 60s and 70s.

So cheer up your journey is just around the corner.

TC said...

You and I are both off the same assembly line I think! LOL!

Oh and Pirate, you are my new hero!

Laura said...

LOL!@ this just cracked me up!!! You're one of those highly polished, coveted roadsters, Judy!

netchick said...

:) haha! That's a great analogy!

Here from Michele's!

Weary Hag said...

Haha ... excellent little analogy!
(I realize you didn't create it, but it's great of you to post it)

I liked Pirate's comment. I've BEEN to many of those A&W Classic Car rallies. Good times... good, good times.

Judy, you ARE a classic. You stand out brilliantly from all the rest in the parking lot of life.

(Ed's old Suburu ended its life at nearly 400,000 miles - no kidding - imagine how far a classic like you will go?)

Carmi said...

Today's society doesn't appreciate the old classics as much as it should. We'd learn much about ourselves if we did.

Dropped in from Michele's this time. Thanks so much for the chicken soup offer. My wife appreciated it!