Friday, October 07, 2005

~~Random Observations~~

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago and Detroit got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni)

11)"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown and presumed deceased

21 comments:

Theo said...

funny stuff.

Michele sent me.

Blond Girl said...

Michele sent me. You've been posting from your emails again, haven't you? If so, will you send that emial to me? I need to keep laughing at these.

Oh, and thank you for your advise yesterday about my sidebar. I don't have it fixed yet, but I am hot on the trail of whatever it is that's screwing with it...

I told another story tonight. Given that you seem to like my stories, I thought I would let you know...

Have a lovely evening!

edina monsoon said...

Woa...this is funny. I'm going to use some of them lines in my mails. Just to get my friends laughing. My favourite is the first one. *beam*

srp said...

As usual these are very funny. Just what I needed to end my day that started at 4AM this morning.

utenzi said...

I love the attribution on the "Mad Cow Disease" line, Judy. Presumed deceased! Cute.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

I second what SRP said. If I have to get up early, at least I can get some laughing in!

Bec of the Ladies Lounge said...

Not early here - getting late, but still laughing all the way to Australia! Michele sent me, but I was planning to drop by anyway and say hi (thanks for the fun).

Angie said...

Very funny.

rashbre said...

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. - Jennifer Unlimited

Hi kenju, Michele sent me.

rashbre

Romani Heart said...

I think that last one was my favorite!!

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Number 2 and 19 are the great, but they are all hilarious :)

poopie said...

Excellent laughs! Drew Carey is my hero, by the way ;)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

These are all good. But I liked No. 1 the best. I love irony. Irony. Not ironing. What's to love about ironing? Sheesh. Some people....

Kim said...

I love famous quotes, thanks for the entertainment this afternoon!

Jamie Dawn said...

Funny stuff, Kenju. There are certainly some witty people in this world. Those one liners are gems.

Karen said...

These are great. Thanks for the chuckles.

Erasmus said...

"Unknown and presumed deceased" - that's the best part of all of them!

utenzi said...

I've been thinking of this one on and off all day, Judy: I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

annie said...

I'm stealing these, thank you.

*sneaks off to e-mail friends*

colleen said...

More! Who said number 5?

Weary Hag said...

Great laughs in the early morning ... thank you thank you thank you!

I especially loved the one about hating your job, the one about the women catching fly balls and the Dave Barry dog analysis... perfect!