Friday, September 23, 2005

Forty Things You'll Never Hear a Southerner Say

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I'm here from Michele.

Very funny. I am from the Midwest, but I've spent a lot of time in the South. I kept forgeting that I had to specifically ask for unsweetened ice tea.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog, too.

My bro-in-law always asks for sweet tea, even though he also lives in Illinois and it is rarely available whereever he asks for it...

Mamacita said...

How about "Jerry Springer's show hasn't seemed very relevant these past few weeks."

Love your lists!

I'm here from Michele's this morning but as you know, I come here every day all on my own anyway.

Have a great day.

bornfool said...

Very funny. I would say a few of those things, but I'm a transplanted "yankee."

poopie said...

Heh...We is mighty simple folks ain't we ;)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

This stuck an elbow right into my funny bone. Aragula and raddiocho are like grits to me. Sure they are.

Jamie Dawn said...

My hubby must be a southerner at heart. He never trims the fat off of steak. He loves that stuff!
I KNOW I'm a southerner at heart, a rich, snobby southerner, that is. I was supposed to be born in Charleston, SC to a wealthy family in high society. I should be sipping mint juleps on my veranda at this moment, and my name should be Scarlett.

utenzi said...

Michele sent me to you, Judy.

Why ever would anyone want to say any of those things anyway? I was only disappointed to not see anything on there about Wafflehouse. That's my place to eat! And Bullocks--but only folk around the Durham area would know about that restaurant. Wafflehouse should be a religion.

utenzi said...

in regard to Lost, Judy: Sorry--last night was the first episode. I don't think they're repeating them each week this year like they did last year either.

TC said...

Too darned funny! I have to read this to Prince Charming!

Michelle sent me!

Idgie @ the "Dew" said...

Too funny! Loved it, thanks for pointing me this way!

Jennifer said...

Well, hello there. Michele sent me. :-) Funny when that happens, although not as funny as your non-Southernisms. I can't even decide which one is my favorite, as they all have such a ring of hilarious truth to them...



Craig @ work said...

thats awesome you were a cytotech... did you like it? I love it... anyways it's good to meet you...

Craig @ work said...

Kenju, thats awesome, yeah it has changed a lot since then, I actuall went to school with lish, she has a blog too,, she is a cool girl...

so do you like what you do now?

Beanhead said...

Here via Michele's

Thanks for a good laugh...:)

Cori said...

Those are too funny! I love #1 -so true!

Craig @ work said...

oh wow a wedding florist for 23 years? thats awesome, I guess you must love flowers, right? sorry it took so long to respond, I'm at the scope right now... LOL....I like your site too, very nice content!!!

it's always good to make new blog buds...

chatty said...

LOL, very good!

Michele sent me today! :)

mary said...

Hi, kenju. Here via Michele's. Or maybe via Zinnia's, I've lost track!
I'm a California girl who's also a vegetarian so I can laugh at a lot of these but only from a naughty stereotypical viewpoint we have of of 'Southerners' here. ;) Once while I was in Texas it took 3 tries before the waiter got my order for UNsweetened tea correct. (And you should have seen his face when I asked for green tea first!)
Happy weekend to you.

Jamie Dawn said...

Have a good weekend, my fine, upscale, Southern lady friend. said...

As much as I hate to admit it, this list applies to most everyone I know.

honestyrain said...

i may have just peed in my pants, just a little.

michele said i should come by. said you had something damned funny to read and she was right!

Carmi said...

Oh damn, is that funny...even to my bland sense of Canadian sensibility.

I've been hanging out at Michele's again. I know it's a dangerous addiction for me, but it lets me visit cool folks. So I keep doing it.

dena said...

Oh gosh! Those were great. Makes me proud to be a Southerner ;)

visitng from michele's

Destiny Anne said...

hilariously funny! thanks for visiting my site. and that all happened yesterday and i may have siad it quietly but not disrespectfully. thanks for the help.

Peter said...

Again this reminds me of Jeff Focworthy, who I love, is there a "piggly wiggly" chain really or is that part of Jeffs imagination?

Lish said...

You know you're a redneck if you can name at least five Nascar drivers, and I can! Later y'all!

rockjock said...

You'll never hear a southerner say I just love opera. But we are warm kind souls.

Hale McKay said...

Yur durn tootin'! I never once said any of them things. I got more sense than a billy goat. Who in tarnation woud ever think of eating anything instead of biscuits and gravy. (One of the things I miss most since I left W.Va. - They can't make a biscuit wirth a lick up her in New England, let along a good gravy. They even put cold syrup on their pancakes!)

deputyswife said...

Here via Michele's tonight.

Glad I stopped! Your top 40 Southerner's list was a riot. I will have to email my southern cousins with that one!

Kim said...

Uh oh.....I think I'm a closet Southerner....

Anonymous said...

Damn northerner. You know, there are a lot of things that us southerners could say about you snotty people from the north. Not all of us are stupid hicks. I live in New Orleans, and have family in alabama, tenn., mississippi, and georgia. I dont appreciate the whole making fun of people from the south. Yall think yall are soo great. You arent anything special you know. And it would be funny if you werent so harsh about it. I mean come on. Im only 16 years old and I can think of better things then that. And you have no clue that we wouldnt say some of those things because your not a true southerner. You would have to learn frist hand. I mean come on. Ive lived in new orleans all of my life and im sure as hell proud of it. Yeah, I have neighbors with rebel flags on their cars, and I love grits, red beans and rice, sweetened iced tea, gumbo, jambbalya, and everything else about the south. You northerners have snow. and hoity toity flings. Who cares about that crap anyway. Southerners know how to have fun, and we arent uptight about every damned thing. And yeah I like waffle house too, and the back of my neck is red. but that doesnt make me a hick. Yeah we say yall, and we are smart enough to know that its called "coke", not "pop."
You should even at least have some bit of remorse for us since we just got the crap knocked out of us by Katrina. I lost my house, my neighborhood, my childhood memories, and plenty more. You dumb yankees need to lay off. Yall are no match for the south. We are simply better, and we always will be. If yall had Katrina hit up north instead of here, it would have been a whole different story. And I can tell you for a fact that people from down here would show remorse. We would help yall. Not beat down on your culture. What am I saying, yall dont have a culture. Its boring up north. And dont think i dont know. I sail almost every weekend. Ive traveled the world for sailing and I still think that the south is better. Because it is. Southerners overall are much more friendly and homely. Back off and mess with your own state. Not mine.
The South WILL rise again.

Anonymous said...

and a few more things to add onto my previous long comment. Yes Piggly Wiggly is a chain of grocery stores. and No west virginia does not count as part of the south. dumbass. West virginia is no more part of the south than maine. (Maine is obviously a northern state.)
Your not a redneck if you can name 5 nascar drivers you idiot. It only means that you have no life. Rednecks dont just waste thier time watching nascar. Thats only for brainless morons like you.

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