Tuesday, September 11, 2012

When children come into your life through marriage; you get to know and care for them as if they were yours. When they are wrenched from your life through separation and divorce, you will forever wonder how they are and what they are doing with their lives. 

Almost a decade ago, three boys came into our lives and were welcomed with open arms. They had not had an easy life in some respects, and we were as concerned for them as we would have been had they been our own grandchildren. 

The marriage and subsequent blending of two families seemed to run fairly smoothly, but there were kinks in the beginning. Children who are used to having the full attention of their father or mother,  do not always take kindly to the addition of a step-mother/step-father and more children, whose likes and dislikes (and manners and methods of discipline) are different. 

But  (as far as I could tell) things settled down and were okay between the children, except for the usual squabbles and petty jealousies. 

Seven years went by; all the children grew and prospered, were involved in their schools, band, swimming, drama, etc. Two made us proud by being inducted into the National Honor Society, and the others all had their various talents and did well in school. They seemed content with their lives, as did the adults  (as far as we could tell.)

Then the problem started. The marriage vows were disrespected by one person and that person would accept no blame for that nor was interested in stopping the behavior that caused the problem.  There was a separation and eventual divorce. 

Instantly, the three boys that we had come to know and care for were gone from our lives. I know that the other grandparents felt the same way about losing our four. It is hard on all the children too, since they were once again wrenched from the apparent normalcy of their daily lives and made to accept changes they cannot have a choice in or voice against. Can you imagine the stress on all the people involved?  Seven children, two adults, four grandparents, and the siblings of the divorcees and their spouses and children are all reeling from the stress this rift has caused.  Who knows who else will feel the effects of it? Little do we know how far reaching the effects of our actions  (and even our thoughts) are, and too bad we don't stop to reflect on the possible damage before we act. 


18 comments:

OldLady Of The Hills said...

So true Judy...AS the picture you used shows---the ripples reach out and sometimes are never ending. It is so very very sad for all those who have or had no say in the results of this division.

Mar said...

It's heartbreaking...

Celia said...

It is sad, our family has experienced it too. I wonder if talking about it to the upcoming generations will help, no one ever spoke to me about the losses they suffered. We are so connected in so many ways.

Grannymar said...

My heart goes out to the children, innocent victims in this difficult situation for all concerned.

robin andrea said...

So sad. I hope all the kids know they are still loved, and that they are welcome in all the homes that they once called home.

Granny Annie said...

It is a difficult road. Hopefully the estranged grandchildren will always remember and cherish the love of all the grandparents. Judy I am so sorry.

Carolyn said...

Very well said! We have 1 step-granddaughter & would hate to lose her.

Carolyn said...

I understand this in many ways. We have 1 step-granddaughter we'd hate to lose if anything happened! 2 of my 3 stepkids have remarried or have the significant other in their lives, with a new baby. Their kids, our grandkids, seem to run ragged between their parents households, leaving little time to visit us in summer or much else. We miss them, and also miss the former daughter-in-law & her family whom we'd gotten to know so well. But it's sad for the kids wearing those overnight backpacks every weekend :(

Bernie said...

How terribly sad... BUT, you know what I believe, that the children WILL come through this, in a more determined way so as to not let it happen to them when they have a family... At least, I hope this is the case...

Se[eration is never easy, for all involved, and my heart goes out to everyone involved, even the person that caused it, and I hope that in time, they find peace...

Anonymous said...

Very sad. And no one knows how to "handle" second marriage divorce? We recently "lost" two grandsons - after 20 years!

Star said...

A sad situation, to be sure. It seems as though the children had some good support systems on both sides. Hopefully that will serve them well.

Pat said...

Hopefully when the children are independant they can make up their own mind who to keep in touch with.
It must be very hard and hurtful.

Gilly said...

Oh, I am so sorry Judy. Everyone involved is hurt - you are right, ripples from one "!event" keep rippling right out and out. And we don't really know where they will stop.

Prayers for you and all involved.

colleen said...

This is so sad. Life has such twists and turns and sometimes no turning back.

rosneath said...

that is sad but as Pat says, once they are older maybe they will be back in touch ....

joared said...

Whatever the situation with the adults in their lives, the children always take the brunt. So many factors come into play in determining how they cope with the situation, how it effects and influences their future lives. Take comfort love was provided during the time they were present in these adults lives -- sometimes that's the most that can occur for whatever the reasons. Heartbreaking to be in a situation to be unable to alter the events.

Ginnie said...

I can feel your pain, Judy, and I understand it since my two boys are divorced ... both with children. Mine are much older than yours I'm sure and I hope it helps when I say that many of their hurts have been put to rest as they've matured ... never to be forgotten but endured and especially knowing that our love is always with them.

sage said...

There is a moral here--heartbreaking and sorry that you had to endure this and even sadder for the children.