Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Would You Apply for This Job?

POSITION : Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma


JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.


RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.


POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.


PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.


WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.


BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

15 comments:

Seamus said...

Bwahahahaha! 3 times!

Sissy B. said...

Oh you brought back memories...I remember using this as a handout when I did workshops for new moms and mothers of toddlers ;)....believe it or not...I did include my time at home as a SAHM on my resume and actually got very positive feedback on it

srp said...

This isn't something to read, at least all but the last paragraph, when it has been one of those days that invariably come. Those days when your uppermost thought is..... What WAS I thinking?

Anonymous said...

You didn't mention the nine month training period OR the original job application Judy.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I had that job -- several times. Still getting hugs....

(And yoo hoo. I've been busy.)

Paul said...

I know Dancing with the Stars was good, clean fun. It's just that it was on nights that I was committed elsewhere. I only got to see commercials or read about it later. Thanks, though.


And yours is a great post.

utenzi said...

Sounds like a raw deal to me, Judy, but my Mom insists that the benefits make it worth it. I've never been convinced...

Jemima said...

You forgot under skills to put: dairy, seamstress, cook, taxi, psychiatrist, whipping boy (girl), maid, teacher, ATM and slave.

Hmph...I don't think I'm qualified.

Shephard said...

Sounds more like a fast-track to Sainthood.
~S

raehan said...

Will you take a look at my cards for me and give me some ponters.

Beverly said...

Had we read that before we started, we might not have chosen that path, huh? Surely glad I did though.

bluemountainmama said...

but it's all worth it! at least i hope so!!! :)

Terri said...

Yeah, I guess the emotional payback far outweighs any of the rest of it. And then....if we're fortunate, we get the added bonus of grandchildren!

panthergirl said...

LOL!! I love the compensation part. The "balloon payment"!

KeddyJ said...

LOL I love it! I laughed out loud the whole time I read it...good thing my family is still sleeping...they would think I had lost it for sure this time! I definitely think the job is worth it all and would gladly do it again if I could!

oh..btw..I am rennratt's sister and I followed her blog to here!