How I Met My Birth Mother

Cast of Characters:


Birth Mom - BM
Birth Dad - BD
Adoptive Mom - AM
Adoptive Dad - AD

Some background: the adoption was arranged by my AM's doctor, and I was taken home within an hour of my birth. That would never happen today, of course. My AM told me when I was age 6 that I was adopted - she called it "being a chosen child" - and later on, when I was about 10-12, she told me the circumstances of my conception. I was told that my BM and BD (birth mom and dad) got married 3 days after my birth, but since she had already signed the papers, they could not get me back. BM was age 17 and BD was about 20, and in college.

When I was about 33, my BD's obit was in the hometown newspaper, and AM gave it to me. That was the first time I knew their names or anything else about them. They had 2 children. I was curious about them, as all adopted kids are, but I knew that if I ever expressed any interest in them, my AM would go nuts. She used to ask me if I had any interest in finding them, and I did, sort of , but I always told her no, as I knew that was what she wanted me to say.

Years later, AM died and 10 years after that, AD died. AD had married again about 6 years after AM passed away. My family and I went back home for AD's funeral, and on the return trip, I mentioned that I had the feeling during the wake that my BM might have been there. Dad's new wife and I did not get along very well and so I had never had any interest in talking to her. But 2-3 days after I got back home, I had a very strong urge (and I mean VERY strong) to call her. It was as if somone tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention, and it happened twice in one night. I had never expected to speak with her ever again - so you realize how odd this was to me.

I called, and she said that she had a message for me. The day that my AD's obit was in the paper, she answered her phone and a woman identified herself as my BM. She wanted to know where I was, and if it was okay for her to come to the wake and/or the funeral. Dad's wife said the only smart thing I had ever heard her say; she told BM that she could come, but please not to speak to me or my family, since I had enough to get through with AD's death. I am so happy she said that as it was very true. I told Dad's wife to get her phone number and address for me - and to tell BM that I would contact her when I was ready. Now here comes the really eerie part: Dad's wife told me that BM had 2 children - who had been living in the same town I live in for 10 years! It is not in the same state we were born in, either.

I had not contacted BM yet, and a few days before my birthday the following year, I got a letter from her telling me that she was coming to my town and she wanted to see me. I have to say that I felt just like a deer in the headlights! There was not enough time to get used to the idea - but I called her and told her I would meet her in a local restaurant. That way, if I did not like the experience, I could leave at any time. We did meet; my husband went with me and her daughter brought her to the restaurant. I found out that her children were adopted; after she had me, she was never able to conceive again. I felt sad about that (for her) but I was almost glad to know that I had no blood siblings. Even though I have always wanted a brother or sister, I didn't want to find or have them this way!

She brought photos of herself and BD, and told me a history that bore little relationship to what my AM had told me. When BM told BD about the pregnancy, he panicked and ran away and joined the Navy. He was not in college, as I had thought, but was working and saving money for college. BM's Dad and step-mom made her give me away. Supposedly, she wanted to keep me, but they said no, and she had no other choice. Then when I was 2 years old, my BD contacted BM for the first time since she told him about me, and he said "I want you to make an honest man of me". He came home on leave at Christmas, and they married.

When he died, they had been together 30 years. He did eventually go to college, and she became an LPN. I met her in 1998, and since then have visited with her 3-4 times. Her children eventually moved back to our hometown, so she has no reason to come here anymore. She started trying to put a guilt trip on me about not coming to visit her more often (it is 330 miles away) and I haven't said anything about it to her, but I hardly think she has that right, since she waited a hell of a long time to find me. Of course, she did say that she promised AM when I was born, that she would not try to contact me until both AM and AD were dead. She kept that promise, so I guess she has integrity, but it is small consolation for an adopted child to learn many years too late that she was really wanted.

The photos she brought were very interesting. She says I resemble my BD's side of the family, and that I am the spitting image of one of his sisters. That is another eerie thing, I almost went to college in Ohio where one of them lives and I lived for 5 years in Norfolk, where another brother lived then. Of course, I knew nothing about it then. My son is almost identical to the photo I have of BD, even though his photo has very dark contrast, you can see the resemblance. One of my daughters looks a lot like BM did when she had me. It is nice to know where those traits come from and it ws great to find out about the medical history. The only other synchronicity I can remember to say is that she and I have one trait in common: we both do crossword puzzles in ink - and we do them everyday. How's that for genetics and heredity?

This is actually a repost; I didn't remember posting it before but found it in the archives.