Thursday, June 01, 2006

Redneck Etiquette

Etiquette In General...

1. Never take a beer to an interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude todrive a U-haul to the funeral.


Dining Out ...

1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the papercup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.


Entertaining in your home....


1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.


Personal Hygiene...

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done inprivate using one's own truck keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.


Dating (outside the family)...

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette....

1.Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen.. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.


Weddings...

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2 . Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


Driving Etiquette...

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

20 comments:

Cyndy said...

How funny! My blog post today is about Personal Hygiene etiquette which we got in a website from our employer today !
Bwahahha
Michele sent me
Good thing she did!

shpprgrl said...

Thankfully I've never done any of this stuff. I had a teacher in jr. high that cleaned his ears in class with his keys and made car sounds at the same time. Not a good thing. Here from Michele's!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

These are very funny Judy...I love the specific direction about wearing shoes and socks, though uncomfortable!! LOL!!!

Mike said...

Those were hilarious!!!!

Here from Michele

ET said...

Hah! I have one up on you, the rules are a way of life in this household.

mar said...

This is hilarious from the very beginning! I even remember I did vacuum my kid's bed more than once when he was little! (mostly because of sand brought from the park) Thanks for a good friday laugh!

Carmi said...

The perfect way to start my day is with an ear-to-ear smile. Thanks for ensuring I got my wish today. These rock!

Dropped by from Michele's.

cassie-b said...

That's about the best red neck lists I've read. I lived in red neck country (several different places, but all the same) before moving to southeastern PA. There are not so many of the fellers here, and I sure do miss the humor.

Thanks so much

poopie said...

Hilarious Judy! I would never consider a man who wouldn't bait my hook for me ;)

utenzi said...

Michele sent me, Judy. I'm hoping Blogger will remain functional long enough for me to post!

Regarding the wife and the gas can, how about if she wants some beer also? She's pretty sturdy and can easily carry a pony keg a few miles.

I love the Zits cartoon below. I've thought that sort of thing many times.

Laura said...

I got a kick out of the last one, couldnt help laughing over that visual.
too funny!

Jamie Dawn said...

These need to be posted in our local Walmarts.

Tracie said...

My husband comes from a long line of rednecks-so this was very funny for me. My family on the other hand are "normal" :)
Here via Michele!

Greg Finnegan said...

Oh, man, I am disappointed.

Several of the "don'ts" were among my reasons for moving to Nawth Carolina.

Yo Tambien Te Mando Besos said...

Totally funny Kenju. Although I have never met a redneck, I feel like I know them already...

Here from Michele

OldHorsetailSnake said...

"...using one's own truck keys." Ho ho har de har har.

These are just great, Jude. Nice piece.

doubleknot said...

Oh dear, are us Southerns that bad? I would never burn rubber at a funeral.

Merle said...

Hi Judy ~~ These are so funny and gave me a good laugh. I hope you are keeping well. Take care, Merle.

Ciera said...

LOL!

Dawn Falcone said...

I tried to comment yesterdy, but Blogger was a mess. I laughed very hard at this. My sis just moved from the North East to South Carolina. She definitely needs to read this.