Sunday, June 11, 2006

Ponderisms (Is that a word?)

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

· Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

· Life is sexually transmitted.

· Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

· Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

· Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

· Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

· Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

· Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

· Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

· If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

· If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

· Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

· Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

12 comments:

Dara said...

Oh, I know this comedian - his name is on the tip of my tongue... Steven Wright? He has such a deadpan look and delivery. Thanks for stopping by my blog tonight!

srp said...

Well, I am back. Not such a marathon driving event this time but a lot more to do while we were there. I was nine when we left Roanoke so many of the faces I just didn't remember, while others I recognized right off the bat.

Love, love, love the cake and the touch of tulip in the bouquet is gorgeous. I still remember 30-some years ago when I wanted honeysuckle at my wedding in Oklahoma. The poor florist came through by cutting it from her own back yard.

Oh, and that hammock is in a back yard in Portsmouth, VA.

Peter said...

Not new Judy, but definitely funny.

WordWhiz said...

There were some in here that were new to me. (Guess I'm not as well emailed as Peter!) Funny!!

Sandy said...

thanks for starting my day with a smile.

michele sent me over.

colleen said...

Tests are testy or make people such! I wonder these things or other questions like them all the time.

I answered your question about meditation on my site. But the short answer is "an introduction...introducing several types."

Have a great Monday!

ET said...

One lines, gotta love 'em!

MareDog said...

You are SO unfair! I can't stand not to forward things like this to all my friends -- but I know that's not a popular thing to do. I've really enjoyed finding your blog. Thanks.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL, LOL...These are great!
I particularly like the question about the chicken!! LOL!!! How true! Who DUD Decide that one...

Yes, Judy...I loved the Tony's...! Everyone is so genuine and "real"...their excitement is somehow more MORE...you know what I mean? Of course I have hadn't seen any of the shows but had heard a great deal about most of them from friends who had...so there were no real surprises except maybe La Chanze...I was happy that Cynthia Nixon won...I think she is a really wonderful actress....It was fun, wasn't it?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

These are all fine, Judy. I especially live the one about the campfire...

goldenlucyd said...

Judy,
The wedding photos are wonderful. Like I've said before, I wish you lived closer so you could do Ben and Teresa's flowers.
By the way, after reading you "ponderisms" I've really lost my taste for eggs!

Lisa said...

hee hee... those are great. Thanks for the smile today!