Thursday, May 04, 2006

The Search for Dilbert


A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes for in corporate America, circa 2004:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)


4. "This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)


5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)


7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say. (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)


8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)


9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

What's your favorite?

20 comments:

srp said...

Here from Michele this time.
All of these are incredibly funny and at the same time strangely disturbing. LOLOLOLOLOL.

srp said...

Here from Michele this time.
All of these are incredibly funny and at the same time strangely disturbing. LOLOLOLOLOL.

srp said...

Here from Michele this time.
All of these are incredibly funny and at the same time strangely disturbing. LOLOLOLOLOL.

utenzi said...

Thanks for joining my map, Judy. It's very comforting to know how close you are! :-)

Grins said...

I can so imagine some of these actually being said. I can also imagine the looks on the recipients faces as they read them. Amazing. Hi by the way, Michele sent me.

Mike said...

What a great list. I especially liked the second one.

Michele sent me.

My float said...

Oh these are hysterical! i love number 1. Oh, and number 8. And number...Oh darn it, I just love 'em all!

Thanks for visiting again today. Have updated blog. Have a lovely day!

Greg Finnegan said...

Here's another one:

"One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)"

AC said...

I like No. 7. I don't see how its funny though.

Haha. I was the worst boss on earth precisely because I did sort of feel this way. Now I work entirely alone saving others from myself.

Wordnerd said...

You know, how screwed up IS that? I'd have to say #8 is my favorite. Is that your personal story? Un-freakin'-believable!

Bonnie said...

I could swear most of these came out out the mouths of those that I work with!

bornfool said...

I liked them all. I've heard a couple of them in similar forms.

Jamie Dawn said...

They are all funny.
#7 is how we all wish the world worked. Isn't what we say the way things SHOULD be???

mar said...

My fav is nr 7:"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.". I love it! here via Michele's this time, Judy!

Duke_of_Earle said...

How about the old one, "All privileges are hereby curtailed until attitudes improve."

But of the ones listed, number 5 sounds like something our production manager would say.

John

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

I can't pick just one! I think they are ALL hilariously nuts! Every One Of Them! Talk about a communication problem...I guess if one sort of stands out a teeny bit more it would be the Boss who asked could they change The Funeral, cause it would be better for him!!! LOL, LOL! Help Us Oh Lord!

Mamacita said...

From our principal (the one who used to keep his false teeth in his back pocket): "Please teach your students to disregard any fire alarms. The ringing won't last long and we've got ISTEP's next month."

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Big corporations kill me the way they want to control everything.

"Conglomo - We Own You"

Justin said...

Hello, Michele sent me.

They're all funny. It's hard to pick just one as my favorite. I suppose I'll have to go with number 1 though.

Peter said...

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

Now that sounds like so many boss's I had in the past, just had to quit working to get away from them.