Sunday, January 08, 2006

Which Groaner is Your Favorite?

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because" he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan.." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

I like # 19! LOL


Carolyn said...

Oh Judy, these were sooo funny! I think I pulled a muscle laughing :D

By the way, Michelle sent me. (But I would have came anyway, lol)

margalit said...

Oh lordy, it's a hard choice. I think Juan and Ahmal is pretty bad, but then the Tom Jones syndrome...groan! My kids will love these. I'll have to show them tomorrow.

Michele sent me.

Romanduck said...

5, 11, and 16 . . . BOOOOOOOO!!!!!! LOVED 19!!!!! hehe Thanks for the laugh! MSM!

Clarence said...

Yep! Without a doubt...number 19 gets my vote but none of them are rejects in my opinion. I laughed at them all...some I could barely catch my breath on. Thanks.

I used that jumper cable joke the other day.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

"Puns Are Us"...
Funny Judy...very funny!

I'm here on my own tonight....But I'm sure Michele will no doubt send me again later in the day...(lol)

Greg Finnegan said...

Ghandi; definitely Ghandi!

Thanks, Judy!

ET said...

I loved them all! You made my day.
Eddie Hunter

mar said...

Love them all, but maybe I liked nr 16 with the eskimos better. Still laughing!

Sonia said...

LOL! I prefer 1, 11 and 12!
As I said another day, laugh is good to health!

ET said...

Thank you for your visit.
I just discovered your blog yesterday and find it very free-wheeling entertaining I am currently combing through your archives.
By the way, I don't know where in North Carolina you live, but in doing genealogy research I have ties in Macon, Buncombe, and Burke Counties, NC.

Carmi said...

#10. It's actually something that I can try using at work.

I really like 'em all, though. There's something about dry humor that just reaches the soul and holds on for dear life. Steven Wright would be proud.

the frog princess said...

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

I lost my tractor.

Michele sent me! I love stupid jokes. I have 3 that I ask people on a regular basis. :)

Romani Heart said...

Oh I like #19 the best :) said...

Number 11!!!!

Seamus said...

They are all funny, but I love #4 - bwahahahaha!

Kat said...

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"Well, "It's Not Unusual."

That's my fave!

Wordnerd said...

Dam! I pulled a mussel laughing. However, my favorite has to be #12. I'm still laughing...

margalit said...

Well, tied this on the Girl and she's STILL screaming at me about number 4... the dyslexic guy that walks into a bra. She didn't get it, no matter how much I explained it to her. The joys of being literal with a non-verbal LD. I quit after that one!

Via Michele

Jennifer said...

19 is a great one, to be sure. But I plan on making "Deja Moo" part of my daily lexicon. It's gonna come in seriously handy, I promise. :-)

Dave said...

Excellent post - number 7 for me.

Inanna said...

The one where the cannibals are eating the clown... HA!

sage said...

Bad Judy, bad Judy, lol

dorothy rothschild said...

#4 made me snort

srp said...

Number 19 is the absolute best in my book.

Lisa said...

LOL! I don't think I could pick a favorite. They're all really bad... I mean funny... ;-)

Dak-Ind said...

19 is good 7 is better! but now of course i will be singing "its not unusual" for the next month!

panthergirl said...

Oh I loved those!!!! I can't pick a favorite, but I know Lucas will love these too!

Anonymous said...

From Moses (in the UK), my favourite groaner.......

A man walks into a bank to ask for a small business loan.

He says to the bank manager, "I'm a cheese maker. I want to set up a business and I've had a great idea. I want to build a cheese factory in Leicester, and make a bizarre and curious red cheese, and call it 'Red Leicester'."

The bank manager looks at the proposal and replies, "That is very well thought out but there is already a cheese with that very name".

The man looks slightly downcast, but says "OK then, this was to be my expansion plan but maybe I'll have to start with it. This is a winner. What I plan to do is set up two cheese factories in Gloucester and call the cheese they produce, 'Double Gloucester'."

Again the bank manager compliments the man on his idea and enthusiasm but breaks the news to him, "Again sir, there is already a product with this name. Why don't you go away and think again"

"Hang on", says the man. "My final plan is a cracker (no pun intended). I was going to break the million pound mark with this next expansion idea but it looks like I'll have to start my business with this plan." Eyes shining with excitement the man explains "I've fully researched my hard cheeses, my soft cheeses and my curds and whey, and I think i've got a corker here. Ok, I want to open a factory in Israel"

"Mmm, OK" syas the bank manager, "I can't see any problems yet - go on".

"More specifically in one of the holy towns in Israel. What do you think?"

"Well," the bank manager replies, "that's certainly original, but what are you going to call your product?"

"Cheeses of Nazareth."

kenju said...

Moses, that's a good one....LOL!

Green-Eyed Lady(GEL) said...

I don't think I can choose a favorite. ROFL- Thx! :)