Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Out of the Mouths of Babes (?)

THIS PURPORTEDLY COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.

Note: I am not sure of the truth of this, but I decided to post them anyway, since they are amusing. Some do not sound like they were written by children.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINNESS'S, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRACLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRACLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRIAGE.

15 comments:

Weary Hag said...

Good morning, Judy. These are so darned cute! You're right though, some don't sound as though they were created by little ones. Very cute though!

Peter said...

Wow that Solomon and his 700 porcupines!
Some of them do sound a bit older than elementary students Judy.

Peter said...

I could not comment before Judy, but thought I would have another try before going to bed, and blogger seems to have got over another of his tantrums at last.

Inanna said...

Mount Cyanide, indeed!

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Ha! the 700 porcupines caught my eye too. these are so cute.

srp said...

Don't kids say just the grandest things, so funny and at times so true.
My ex-husband certainly practiced #10 faithfully for a year before the divorce.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY

Jamie Dawn said...

Thou shalt not ADMIT adultery.... funny.

Zee said...

Too funny!

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Those UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS will gettcha every time.

Maria said...

I love these! Thanks for the smile.

When I was teaching second grade one of my favorite students when saying the Pledge of Allegiance in the morning said, "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands. One NAKED INDIVIDUAL,under God with liberty, and justice for all."

There have been so many times when politically speaking, I have felt like one naked individual that I can't help thinking the kid had a good point.

vicki said...

At 55, you would think I'd be entitled to an immaculate contraption already but , no such luck. But then, I'm a lot like Lot's wife- during the day I make bread with no ingredients and at night I'm a real (sweaty) ball of fire. Uh! Biblical!

Jewaira said...

Heheh, funny!

Green-Eyed Lady(GEL) said...

Oh my, this reminds me of hearing about Art Linkletter's "Kids say the Darndest things" from relatives much older than me. Great post.

Kim said...

Major LOLOL!

My kids went to Catholic school - I believe it.

I used to think God was Lord and Mother Nature was his wife!

melinama said...

I love these. And I enjoyed your tender story about your friend today. From Michele, but it was my second visit of the day...