Saturday, October 29, 2005

Definitions ~ with Apologies to Hoss

1. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

2 . Divorce: Future tense of marriage

3 . Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

4 . Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

5 . Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he got the biggest piece.

6 . Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.

7 . Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

8. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

9 . Ecstasy: A feeling you feel when you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

10 .Classic: A book which people often praise and seldom read.

11. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

12. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

13. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouths.

14. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

15 . Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

16 . Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

17 . Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

18. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

19. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

20. Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

21 . Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

22. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

23. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

24. Father : A banker provided by nature.

25. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.

26 . Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

27 . Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

20 comments:

Guppyman said...

Too funny.... but most are so true....

Michele says howdy!

mar said...

Great definitions. Somebody had (lots of ) time to sit down and come up with all this! Fun to read. Michele sent me this afternoon!

brendalove@gmail.com said...

I love the Opportunist~

Carmi said...

Hey Judy. You always manage to find the loveliest lists that make me smile. Thanks!

Guess where I'm from today!

Tan Lucy Pez said...

These are great! Can I steal them? *she says as if she didn't have every intention of doing that with or without your permission.*

I did think that Ecstasy had a different definition however. I thought that Happiness was a day off, and Ecstasy was a day off with pay.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Gee, a whole passel of 'em, and poor Ol' Hoss can only figure out one a day. Somebody has got a bigger dictionary and more imagination than I do. I peaked too early.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Peter says this is YOUR BIRTHDAY! How come I didn't know/forgot that? Happy truckloads of Happiness, kid.

Sonia said...

Really funny! LOL! I love the Optimist and the Pessimist!
Where did you find such funny lists?

Jamie Dawn said...

Funny stuff.
The miser one is one I could never understand. I've known several old people who save and scrounge for every penny and they have a lot of money. I never know why they don't finally decide to spend some and enjoy some of what they've earned.

Plumkrazzee said...

Loved these...here from Michele's!

kenju said...

Opportunist: the person who manages to get email sent to her so she can post it on the blog!

(also known as kenju)

The birthday is tomorrow, Hoss, and thanks for the advance wishes.

Chatty said...

Very cute! LOL

Michele sent me.

Maggie said...

That is 2 funny
Michele sent me

millie garfield said...

Number 11 - A curve that can set things straight!

It really works.

phoenix said...

hehehe great list. I can honestly say this is the first time I have seen these!

atpanda said...

he HE! That is too funny. :-) thanks for the laugh.
and michele sent me.

Yaeli said...

I love coming to read your weekend funnies Judy! You have put yet another smile on my dial!
Michele sent me today.

Angie said...

#16 is perfect! LOL

Pearl said...

Those are great.

Weary Hag said...

Excellent list ... You know? I don't think I've seen these before either! Good job, Judy!