Monday, September 19, 2005

~Disorder in the Courts~

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

This, Ladies and Gentlemen, concludes my 200th post!

20 comments:

Laura said...

Everytime I read these things I'm always left laughing myself silly. Especially after that last comment about the brain in a jar on the doctor's desk!

Congrats on your 200th post! Here's to the next 200 :)

Kim said...

Well, this was a spit-coffee-on-the-monitor-laughing-so-hard post! LOL! Hubby is an attorney so he will get a kick out of this!

Kim said...

Oh goodness, congratulations on your 200th post anniversary!

yellojkt said...

Too funny to be true. I demand transcripts on some of these.

Angela said...

Those are just too funny... I choose to believe that they are all actually true!

And congrats on 200 posts, I just hit 20, so I'm pretty durn impressed, lol ;)

Jamie Dawn said...

Congrats on the 200th post! I look forward to reading many more.

I've never known a court reporter. I'd like to though, because I'm sure they have a lot of good stories to tell.
It would be hard not to laugh at some of those. Can you imagine trying to keep a straight face?

srp said...

I particularly like the last two. I have actually had an attorney ask me a question that stupid. And people wonder why I think attorneys do their best work at the bottom of the ocean.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Congrats on number 200!

I've read these before, and I'm laughing again anyway! thanks for sharing them.

Jennifer said...

Woohoo! 200 posts! That's quite a collection, ma'am.

Thanks for the laughs, and the nostalgia, and the friendship.

Here's to 200 more!

Ralph's Homespun Headlines said...

Got here via Jamie Dawn. You gave me quite a laugh - thank you.
Congratulations on your 200th post.
Ralph

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Happy 200! And it was really funny too

Becky said...

OMG, I laughed out loud at those. Thanks for sharing. Attorneys ask the dumbest questions, don't they?

Thanks for stopping by my blog at what is now almost two weeks ago by way of Michele (I went on vacation and am still catching up:)

JC said...

Thanks so much. I needed this one today in a big way! I am still chuckling.

rockjock said...

What really cracks me up about these is so many attorneys act so damn pompous and condisenting. Always fun to watch the jerk run into a lamp post so to speak

Nancy said...

Congrats on your 200th post.

That was hilarious! thanks for the morning laugh.

Michele sent me.

Marie said...

VERY funny!

Happy 200th!!! Woohoo!

rugdesigner said...

Case in point of why I could never be a court reporter; I would have laughed just as hard in the court room as I am now!

Happy 200th!!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You should NOT make me laugh out loud while my wife is still sleeping. Fie.

Weary Hag said...

These are excellent, Judy.

I see your response to someone regarding the old radio shows. Can't wait for that post!

Actually, can't wait for ANY of your posts.
Enjoy your day, my friend.

Raindrop Fairy said...

Funny! :-D