Monday, May 30, 2005

Mothballs and Throw Rugs - The Mark of a Retiree?

I found this site recently www.bitterwaitress.com and sent it to a friend whom I knew would enjoy the humor in it. Here is his slightly edited response to me:

"I am saving this site. I know that retirees (not ME of course) are the cheapest of the cheapskates in tipping. They go for the earlybird dinner specials, leave two quarters, and walk out with toothpicks dangling from their thin-lipped mouths. Awaiting them in the parking lot is their four door white retiree car with mud flaps, AAA stickers, and a nylon meshwad on the radio antenna. Most are from (I have erased the name of the state, so as to avoid their slings and arrows) the "moonpie face" state. For some reason most of them are fat and pale. They all wear old fashioned glasses, live in a condo, trailer, etc. and have a multicolored hand-knitted throw on the couch. Lampshades are encased in plastic. Throw rugs are everywhere. The bathroom has enough fluff crap on the toilet and floor to harbor every fatal disease known to mankind. Oh, I forgot the biggest sin of all: MOTHBALLS!"

Does this funny guy have the old folks pegged, or what?

I must admit, however, that I have been to homes where the lampshades AND the couches are encased in plastic, the bathrooms are covered in fuzzy chenille stuff with crocheted toilet paper covers, and every article of clothing they wear reeks of mothballs. The trouble is, some of these people aren't even old yet. Part of it is the cultural context they grew up with (old habits die hard, I've heard).

My Mom was the throw rug queen of our state. Every floor had carpet, and every carpet had throw rugs following the traffic paths. Sometimes, she laid plastic runners over the carpet and throw rugs. It was a tripping hazard, so I finally convinced her she had to remove all the rugs before she or my dad fell. She thought she was "saving" the carpet from spots, but I am sorry to report that the carpet was still stained and spotted anyway, and she just threw more rugs over the spots. An odd side note to this is that my mom took up rug hooking in her middle years. She made 5 rugs, none of which ever saw the light of day while she lived. She didn't want her rugs to get dirty or worn, so she rolled them up and stored them in a cabinet. What is the irony in that?! They are beautiful and I can assure you that they are used and loved in my home.

An uncle and aunt of my husband's, who lived in NYC, had couches with heavy plastic slipcovers on them (with zippers yet!). It was like sitting down on a hot plastic table cloth at a picnic. They thought the plastic was wonderful, since their white damask couches were just as pristine as the day they were delivered. There's no telling how much 'back of the leg' skin was sacrificed to that plastic over the years!

I can remember homes that had so much stuff in the bathrooms: fuzzy chenille rugs, toilet covers, seat covers, lid covers, etc. Why don't people realize how much of a health hazard that is? If no one ever missed a toilet bowl, it would be fine. But since we all know that one of the two sexes seldom hits the bowl, the less fabric near it - the better!

Lastly, I will say that mothballs ought to be outlawed - or at least - made to smell better than they do. We sometimes eat at a local cafeteria (but not the earlybird specials). It is not too bad in the spring and summer, but when cool weather rolls around, and the winter coats come out of storage, you cannot stand in line there without being totally overcome with the fumes from moth balls. Give it a break, people. Moths have to eat too!

15 comments:

Thumper said...

Gotta love the old people...they are an amazing source of amusement, and one day we shal be them. I refuse, however, to be like the old guy I saw at an all you can eat buffet. He'd *obviously* had all he could eat, 'cause he puked it up, right there in front of the salad bar...

I do, however, reserve the right to turn my cart sideways in the grocery store, blocking all the young people...

Raehan said...

I normally don't enjoy old people jokes, but this was the funniest post I've read in a long time. I enjoyed it.

Coming from Michele's.

Jamie Dawn said...

That guy's response was spot on and very funny.

I know you are referring to GUYS when you talk of those who miss the toilet bowl. Unsanitary is right!

Mothballs should be outlawed. I'd rather wear holey clothes.

Shirazi said...

I liked the response by your friend.

Angie said...

I use cedar, not mothballs. There is no way some moth is feasting on our wool coats! I paid good money for those long dress coats and I want to get more than one year of wear out of it without holes!

Great post!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Who are those spendthrifts who leave TWO quarters???!!

I hooked a 3x5 rug. It hosts my bare feet when I have to get up during the night to pee. And at age 74 243/365ths that's damn often.

Nice story, Judge.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

I don't understand. Where do the moths come from? If you have screens on your windows...there shouldn't BE any moths.

Or is there something else I just haven't been properly taught?

annie said...

"Moths have to eat, too"! That is SO funny!

My husband went ALONE to the store to get a fuzzy bath mat for his bathroom. I showed him the one to get, just like mine, but told him to get it in black. He came back with it and I approved it and then he pulled something else out of the bag. One of those mats that wraps around the foot of the toilet. I screamed, "Nooo! You are not authorized to have that! Take it back!"

annie said...

I sent you an e-mail but I don't think it went through;
I am going to take off my old Blogger comments sometime this week and just have the Haloscan, so that should fix the problem of people not getting my Haloscan to pop up.
I think it is you and just one other person it will not work for, and it is driving me nuts wondering what it could be!

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