Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Hospital Chart Bloopers


Actual writings taken from from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18 She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23 Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Nobody ever said that docs have to get A's in syntax, spelling and logic did they? Which one is your favorite?


srp said...

#20 - obviously a med student who had not not had any sleep for 36 hours.

Patients can come up with good ones too. On my OB rotation we had to induce labor in one patient. When I started to explain, she cut in and said "I know all about this. My doctor had to seduce my first labor too." I was very proud of myself...I used very good bedside manner, excused myself politely and left the room before giving into hysterical laughter.

Anonymous said...

I liked #25, but am so curious to how big circus size is?

kenju said...

Hope, I guess it's all relative!

Traci Dolan said...

#18! Nothing like getting rid of that constipation!

Weary Hag said...

Judy, you know I love this sort of post! I think out of all ... my personal favorite is "the skin was moist and dry." I know - simple - but perfect in its stupidity.

phoenix said...

hehehe this is mine:

"21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."

It maybe all relative (no pun intended) but god help him if he is related to an elephant! *giggle*

Shannon said...

hi here via michele, i think i like #24 & 25 the best!

bornfool said...

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
Now them's long fingers!

Anonymous said...

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993

And who wouldn't be depressed...what a doctor!

Thanks for the early morning laugh.

AC said...

#9, for me, without a doubt and then #7, or #12. Or #18. Well, I am laughing still on third reading.

Marie said...

They're all great! I love: Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Kim said...

My favorite is the "...husband states she was very hot last night"...LOL, they're all hilarious!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Circus-sized genitalia? Like Big Top?

And I just hate when my skin goes all moist and dry.

Anonymous said...

i used to work in a hospital and i hate to say that each and every one of these made perfect sense to me. is that bad? ;) said...

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

This one made me LAUGH OUT LOUD!

dena said...

They are all good, but I love 21.

visiting from michele's

Peter said...

Definitley #10, I don't remember when they asked me the question though

Panthergirl said...

I love stuff like this. I also love the commercial for term life insurance, where it says that "even if you don't die, you can collect." Even if you don't die? Where can I sign up for that??

Here by way of michele today!

edina monsoon said...

Number 20....the correct line should be PERLA ( pupils equal reactive to light and accomodation. Hahahah I had a GOOD laugh reading this ...specially this. Had to stop to laugh a bit more.